More Things
Schmoozing and noshing and fibbing (pubphotos.postbulletin.com).
by Steve Timmer
Aug 8, 2012, 9:00 AM

Mike and Ben have a heart-to-heart

Commodore Parry’s new strategy

Mike: Ben, come in here a minute.

Ben: Sure Boss, what’s up?

Mike: Have a seat. Close the door.

Ben: Okay, what’s going on?

Mike: Jesus, Ben, we’re getting killed by Yoda.

Ben: Senator Parry, I don’t think you should take your Lord’s name in vain.

Mike: Who, Yoda?

Ben: No, Jesus.

Mike: Of course. But don’t change the subject.

Ben: Sorry.

Mike: Where was I?

Ben: We’re getting killed by Yoda.

Mike: Right. And you can’t seem to lay a glove on him. Allen Quist is mad as a hatter.

Ben: Not entirely a liability in a Republican primary.

Mike: Really? I mean, I know. But Ben, this guy had a dead fetus cut out of his dead wife to put it on display in her coffin. That’s really macabre.

Ben: But it’s old news. Kinda lost its shock value.

Mike: How about his visit to the homosexual book store? A lot of Republicans will hate that.

Ben: He said he was doing research.

Mike: Research, my hind end. Do you believe that?

Ben: Does it matter what I believe? I’m a campaign consultant.

Mike: Right.

Ben: [becoming defensive] You’ve had your moments, too, remember. I have to deal with that.

Mike: Like what?

Ben: You called Barack Obama a “power-hungry, arrogant black man.” That sounded racist to a lot of people.

Mike: Well, he is black, sort of.

Ben: And at the Tea Party rally at the Capitol when you said that Mississippi ought be able to nullify the civil rights laws of the United States because “it’s their state.” It’s just a good thing there are hardly any black people in CD1.

Mike: Ah, heck, I’ll bet Quist doesn’t like minorities, either.

Ben: But he doesn’t have a public record, as you do.

Mike: [voice rising] You’re a fine one to talk.

Ben: What’s that supposed to mean?

Mike: [evenly] You know very well what I mean.

Ben: [loudly] No, tell me.

Mike: When you were in Russia, your roommate was caught possessing and maybe distributing marijuana. You were spirited out of the place ahead of espionage charges.

Ben: [shouting] I quit!

Mike: [also shouting] You can’t quit, you’re fired! I wish Brodkorb was still here!

[Ben and Mike stare stonily at each for a moment, breathing heavily, then Ben starts to laugh, and soon Mike joins in; they laugh hysterically for half a minute or so, tears rolling, then it gets quiet again]

Mike: Okay, what do we do now?

Ben: The only thing I can think of is to run against Mark Dayton.

Mike: We don’t have much on Dayton, do we?

Ben: Ah, we’ll just make it up.

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