Governor, the federals
N.B. Here’s a post that was published on the old site in the run up to the gubernatorial election in 2010.
Everywhere but the northern border, Sir.
That’s our border with Canada.
Yes, everywhere but there, Sir.
Why? What did we do?
Lots of little things, I suppose, Governor, but I think the last straw was probably when you signed the bill to nullify the Internal Revenue Code in Minnesota.
As we had every right to do. We’re sovereign, remember? It says so right in the Minnesota Constitution in an amendment that I authored.
The federals apparently don’t see it that way, Governor.
[voice rising] Okay, let’s not panic! Options, General Parry?
Um, you’re the Governor.
Fat lot of help you are right now, General Parry.
Just respecting the chain of command, Sir.
All right. Call out the Guard.
Do you mean the National Guard? Sorry, Governor, most of the Guard is in Afghanistan.
Are you s***ting me?
Afraid not, sir. We could call out the NRA.
You mean the fat old white guys who sit around in camo lawn chairs and talk about shooting Mexicans? Please.
It looks like we’re completely defenseless.
No! Wait! I have an idea. We have a company of seasoned soldiers at Historic Fort Snelling. They’re even under my command, sort of.
Governor, there’s maybe a dozen of them at any one time, fifteen or twenty, tops, and they shoot 19th century muskets. They don’t even have musket balls.
But they have cannon, too, don’t they General Parry?
But no cannon balls, Governor, except maybe a dozen or so all rusted together. And you have to remember, Governor, these people are history buffs; they undoubtedly know what happened the last time somebody tried to nullify federal law. I don’t think we can count on their loyalty, Sir.
What do you recommend, General Parry?
Well, Governor, remember what I said about the northern border? Got your passport? You need one after 9/11.
Damn. I burned it in an act of defiance of the federal government. Probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
[under his breath] Nor the dumbest. [full voice] Anyway, Governor, good luck; I’m outta here.
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