Sigmund Spot gets another new patient

Ah, Mr. Bear, come in and zit on za couch.

That’s Representative Bahr.

Zat’s what I said, Bear.

No, it’s . . .  nevermind.

Vut brings you here?

The Republican caucus members thought it might do some good. But I doubt it; I don’t believe in this stuff.

I zee.

I’m really a referral from Tom Hackbarth.

Ja, I remember Herr Hackbarth. He was, vell . . . now it’s my turn to say never mind!

What do you mean?

Vell, he vas a little tightly wound. Let me leave it at zat. You zeem so, too, I must zay.

[spitting] Well, I’m not.

Ja, okay, vut in particular brings you here? Incidentally, are you packing za heat?

No, Tom told me to leave it in the truck.

Gut. I am glad zomebody learned zomting. Zo, vhy are you here?

I got a little carried away in some remarks.

And?

I said that some people “need to be kicked to the curb and stomped on & run over a few times.”

Jesus Christus, you said zat?

Vell, I mean well, I didn’t mean it.

I hope not. Who are za people in need of za kicking, stomping, and za running over?

People who want to separate me from Larry.

Larry?

He’s out in the truck and I am really missing him right now. Can I go get him?

I don’t zink zo.

Okay.

You zay zat you didn’t mean what you zaid about za kicking, stomping, and za running over.

Right.

Do you zink it vas maybe a little, um, Freudian?

You tell me, doc.

Haha! Ja, zat’s a good vun! But zeriously.

I don’t know. But I’d do anything to anybody who’d try to bust up me and Larry.

Let me ask you zis. Has Larry ever talked to you?

Well, not usually.

But, zometimes?

Yeah.

Vut does Larry say?

I am the only one who loves you. I only can keep you safe.

Do you zink zat’s true?

I really don’t know. It might be. Zats – dammit – that’s what scares me.

Vhy does zat scare you?

Because if it’s true, I am really alone.

Vell, don’t look at me! Haha! Kidding. Zat’s why I’m here. Zort of.

Can I go get Larry?

Nein. But you aren’t alone, Cal.

Why do you say that?

I don’t know; it seemed like the ting to say.

You aren’t helping much, Sigmund.

I’m just a psychiatrist, not Jesus.

What should I do?

Vell, first of all, you need to divorce Larry. You have za toxic relationship with Larry. No good can come of zis.

But I need Larry and he needs me!

Just listen to yourzelf! You have friends, right?

Well, not many.

Vhy do you tink zat is?

I don’t know.

Tink harder.

Because I’d rather talk to my gun than another person?

Bingo, Cal. Work on zat, and we’ll talk about it za next time.

NB – Sigmund Spot is the nom de plume of Spot the Blogspot Dog.