Tim Pawlenty (www.buzzfeed.com).
by Sigmund Spot
Aug 15, 2012, 3:30 PM

Vell, Timotee, vut zeems to be za problem?

[after settling himself awkwardly on the leather couch in Sigmund’s office] Gosh, Doc, do I really have to lay here?


How could I be lying? I haven’t said anything yet.

Za present tense of za intransitive verb isss “lie,” not “lay.” Not “He maketh me to lay down in green pastures.” But you do zeem za bit defensive.


Ya, and apologetic, too.

[a little testy now] Look, I can get this at home and at any Republican gathering you care to name, so I don’t need it from you.

Get vut?


Okay! Let’s start over. Vy did you come to see me, Timotee?

I don’t know; I’m just feeling a little listless and at loose ends. Like I don’t know where I’m going.

Vell, I zaw on the teevee zat you were up for a big job.

Vell — I mean, well — that fell through.

Ah — zis might be part of za problem.

Do you think so? Now that you mention it, I felt this way once before, under similar circumstances. Very similar circumstances.

Oh? Tell me about zat.

It’s nothing, really.

It doesn’t sound like za nothing.

[voice trembling and words tumbling out] John McCain passed me over as his vice president candidate four years ago, and now Mitt Romney did it to me again. I’m snakebit! And I busted my hump for both of them, avuncular ol’ Tim, flying to hell and gone to campaign for them. “Tim, we need somebody in Peoria!” “Tim, ever been to Boise?” And every time they asked, I packed a clean shirt and my toothbrush and went.

And what did I get for my loyalty?

Ya, vut did you get?

Ha! Zero, zip, zilch, bupkis.

Vut is zis bupkis?

Oh, it’s just another word for nothing. I thought it was German.

Nah, Yiddish maybe, probably from za Russkies.

And each time, I got thrown over the side for somebody flashier.

Vell, who?

The first time it vuz — was — Sarah Palin.


What did you say?!?

I didn’t zay anything.

 Yes you did.

Did not. Zis is not getting us anywhere! Who else?

Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan is flashier zan you?

If you’re a Tea Party crazy he is. To people like Cindy Pugh. That’s kind of what happened the first time, too. You’d think I’d learn.

Cindy who?


Zat’s what I said, Cindy who?

Cindy PUGH.

Cindy Pugh who?

That’s her name: Cindy Pugh.

Aach. Vell, don’t be zo hard on yourself!

Name another person who was in the running for the veep nomination two times in a row and was passed over.

Zere must be somebody. Did zis Sarah Palin become vice president?

Of course not. And Paul Ryan won’t either.

Zen it’s no problem, right? Vell, I zee our time isss up! We’ll take zis up another time.

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